Current Velocity : Zero

via

i.

You are a leaf caught in an eddy

All motion and no progression

Spun around in a sickening swirl that leads to

Nowhere

 

You are a boot lodged in quicksand

Your owner and twin have escaped

The vicious vacuum, running away while you remain

Stuck

 

You are an astronaut lost in space

Cut loose from any anchor,

Adrift in a cold that doesn’t care and leaves you

Numb

 

ii.

Have you ever stood still on a street in November

While the leaves rush past you,

Smacking against your legs as they dance 

In the wind that is never strong enough to pick you up?

 

Have you ever stood still as a wave crests,

The carpet of sand yanked out from beneath your feet,

Letting the wall of water smash around you

Before it scurries up the shore without a backward glance?

 

Have you ever stood still in a crowd in some big city,

All these voices of all these people with all these plans,

A hurricane of progress and passion perfecting all of the world’s problems,

And here you are, in the eye, passive and purposeless?

 

Have you ever stood still?

 

iii.

Have you ever felt like the whole world is moving but you?

Like you could invent your own laws of motion—

As everyone else speeds up, I slow down.

 

Have you ever felt like a character in a bad dream?

The one where your sneakers are glued to the street

And the bad guy is coming and you want to run

And everyone else is running

And you

Just

Can’t

Move

 

iv.

If an external force

Is what it takes

To make mass move

Then please—

Save me from

This massive mess

And set me speeding

Because I have not

Stayed in rest,

I have been stuck there

And, oh God,

I want my velocity

To be greater than zero

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Going on an Adventure: London

Last week my family and I went to London, and I had so much fun compiling pictures of our trips to Keukenhof and Scotland that I thought I’d do the same thing this time.

But wait. Let me backtrack and repeat that first statement: I got to visit London. I don’t know, that just feels really crazy and exciting?? I’ve never been a Great Britain fangirl, but London is one of the most famous cities in the world and it’s got so much amazing history.

We were only there for three full days, and we packed in a lot. Shoutout to my little sisters for keeping up with us and never complaining as we dragged them all over the city. Another one to the London Underground which was a whole lot of fun (except for that one time) and cemented my love for big cities and public transportation.

Although I was dealing with a nasty bout of food poisoning at the beginning of the trip, I healed in time to enjoy afternoon tea at a fancy restaurant. Honestly, guys, the scones were my favorite part of the entire trip. People always gripe about the food in the UK, but both times I’ve been there, I actually really enjoyed the food. For one thing, there are warm scones with lemon curd and clotted cream melting inside (okay, I know lemon curd and clotted cream don’t have the most appetizing names, but they really are SO. GOOD.). Then there are meat pies, shortbread, homemade stovies, and all things toffee. And I personally like fish and chips, as long as it’s not too greasy. All that to say: give the food in the UK a chance, folks. And if you can, do an afternoon tea somewhere. I recommend mint tea; it was delicious (and quite kind to my recently healed stomach). Also, life hack: Starbucks, bless them, sells amazing gingerbread biscuits which are a lifesaver if you ever get a stomach bug while traveling.

Besides the scones, another highlight was Westminster Abbey. It feels annoyingly cliché to say that, but I truly loved it. We went to Evensong there one night, and we got to sit in the elevated pews right next to the choir. The next day, we took the tour. It was a zoo, and the bathrooms are right next to the exit, so I had to walk through the maze twice. However, it’s quite pretty and it gave me a chance to read as many grave markers is possible. (Maybe that’s why I liked it so much––all the morbidity. Mwahaha.) My heart literally skipped a beat when I saw the William Wilberforce statue, and I read his entire epigraph even though I got some glares from more pragmatic and less sentimental tourists. WILLIAM WILBERFORCE, guys. If you were to ask me who one of my heroes is, I would immediately say him. I freaked out (internally, don’t worry) again when I got to Poet’s Corner and saw names like Dickens, Austin, Handel, Gerard Manley Hopkins, Robert Louis Stevenson, T. S. Eliot, Kipling, and more. I felt proper American pride that there was even a bust of Longfellow, put there apparently by “the English admirers of an American poet.” Plus, I got to see the tombs of Isaac Newton and Lord Kelvin and Ernest Rutherford and all these amazing scientists!? Also David Livingstone, who has a cool last name. Westminster Abbey made my simultaneously nerdy and artsy heart happy.

Other highlights: the statue of John Donne in St. Paul’s Cathedral; spending one evening eating in a bookstore café and then browsing the store (we ended up adding at least 50 pounds to our suitcases); van Gogh paintings in the National Gallery; wandering around little side streets, the best part of every big city, honestly; shopping with my mom in Greenwich Market; and straddling the line of the prime meridian. The one big downside: they were renovating Big Ben, so the whole thing was covered in scaffolding. Oh well. It gives me an excuse to go back someday.

But enough chitchat. Here are the photos. *insert plug for iPhones and their awesome cameras* Click on them to see them bigger and read the captions. =D

cool-looking building on Parliament Square (plus one of those famous double-decker buses)

one side of Westminster Abbey

the front of Westminster Abby *epic music plays*

they had these cool wires statues outside of the Tower of London (never mind the fact that they represent all the animals used to torture and kill prisoners)

I’m still freaking out that I got to stand here #nerdalert

obligatory London phone booth picture

Cutty Sark (one of the last non-steam-powered ships, the fastest of its time)

Trafalgar Square at night

Platform! Nine! And! Three! Quarters! (Harry Potter reference for the uninitiated)

a cute side street

purty

more of the Abbey ❤

Buckingham Palace

I love all the beautiful old trees in the city ❤

Tower Bridge, which was a lot bigger than I expected

the HMS Belfast, a ship that played an important part in World War II

this picture epitomizes London to me ––the old and the new, historic and modern, right next to each other

the stage in Shakespeare’s re-created Globe Theatre !! #evenbiggernerdalert

more Globe Theatre

the lovely St. Paul’s Cathedral (Look at that sky! We were blessed with amazing weather.)

I have a thing for arches and the way light plays on stone; this is in the Tower of London.

The White Tower, the central keep of the Tower of London, built by William the Conqueror over 1000 years ago

They made a dragon out of old pieces of armor and weapons in the Tower of London. I thought it was pretty cool. #fantasyinspirations

the view of Tower Bridge from the Tower of London (so many towers)

I love visiting Lego stores in every city we go to because they always have fun setups unique to that place. Here are Shakespeare and a palace guard on the subway.

Have you ever been to London? If you have, what was your favorite thing about it? If not, what do you dream of seeing or doing there (if you dream about London at all, I don’t want to assume)?

Words for the Holy Week

I wanted to write something for Easter, but it just wasn’t working. The well of words ran dry. And you know what? That’s okay. I don’t always have to say something great to commemorate a special time or interact with issues I care about or––well, basically, I don’t always have to say something, period. That’s something I’ve been learning recently. And I guess I did just say something by saying that. Oh well.

The point is: for this Easter, I’m showing up not as a creator but as a connoisseur. I selected some of my favorite songs and quotes for each day of the Holy Weekend. (Is that a thing? I know Holy Week is, but I’m not sure about the weekend. It should be anyhow.) Most of the songs and quotes relate directly to the events of each day, but some are a little more, idk, less obviously about Easter, especially for Saturday. But the cool thing about Easter story is how deeply it has permeated all of art, not just explicitly Easter stuff.

I hope these words can make Easter little more real and meaningful to you this year. ❤

i. friday | weep

For all the pain you suffered, my mama. For all the torment of your past and future years, my mama. For all the anguish this picture of pain will cause you. For the unspeakable mystery that brings good fathers and sons into the world and lets a mother watch them tear at each other’s throats. For the Master of the Universe, whose suffering world I do not comprehend. For dreams of horror, for nights of waiting, for memories of death, for the love I have for you, for all the things I remember, and for all the things I should remember but have forgotten, for all these I created this painting—an observant Jew working on a crucifixion because there was no aesthetic mold in his own religious tradition into which he could pour a painting of ultimate anguish and torment.

~ Chaim Potok, My Name Is Asher Lev

---

More I recall not, yet the vision spread
Into a world remote, an age to come­
And still the illumined name of Jesus shed
A light, a clearness, through the enfolding gloom­
And still I saw that sign, which now I see,
That cross on yonder brow of Calvary.

What is this Hebrew Christ ? To me unknown,
His lineage—­doctrine—­mission—­yet how clear,
Is God-like goodness, in his actions shewn!
How straight and stainless is his life’s career!
The ray of Deity that rests on him,
In my eyes makes Olympian glory dim.

~ Charlotte Bronte, “Pilate’s Wife’s Dream”

---

He was pierced and scourged and mocked. He was cursed and raised up on a tree, but He was in that ancient pose of victory.

An old man on a hill, a blind man between two pillars, the God Man on a cross.

Glory is sacrifice, glory is exhaustion, glory is having nothing left to give.

Almost.

It is death by living.

The earth shook. The roof came down. The world changed. The armies fled.

That Moses kept his hands up.

~ N. D. Wilson, Death By Living

Last Words (Tenebrae) | Andrew Peterson

Today you will be with me in Paradise
You will be with me today

How Love Wins | Steven Curtis Chapman

This is how love wins
Every single time
Climbing high upon a tree
Where someone else should die

Mercy’s War | Jon Foreman

Oh, the wonderful blood of Jesus
Maker is unmade
Love succums to hate
Life himself is slain

ii. saturday | wait

“Belief isn’t simply a thing for times and bright days, I think. What is belief—what is faith––if you don’t continue it after failure? … Anyone can believe in someone, or something, that always succeeds, Mistress. But failure…ah, now, that is hard enough to believe in, certainly and truly. Difficult enough to have value, I think.”

~ Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn: The Final Empire

---

“All that is made seems planless to the darkened mind, because there are more plans than it looked for.”

~ C. S. Lewis, Perelandra

---

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?

~ C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

God Rested | Andrew Peterson

So they took His body down
The man who said He was the resurrection and the life
Was lifeless on the ground
The sky was red as blood along the blade of night

Remember When It Rained | Josh Groban

Oh, remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Oh, remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

There Is a Plan | Twila Paris

It was a very dark time
It was a very dark place
There was a visible force
And an invisible grace

iii. sunday | wonder

“Oh, you’re real, you’re real! Oh, Aslan!” cried Lucy, and both girls flung themselves upon him and covered him with kisses.

“But what does it all mean?” asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer.

“It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.”

~ C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

---

For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.

~ J. R. R. Tolkein, The Return of the King

---

What seemed to the disciples the final acme of disappointment and grief, the vanishing of his body itself, was in reality the first sign of the dawn of an illimitable joy. He was not there because he had risen.

~ George MacDonald, Miracles of Our Lord

Alive | Natalie Grant

Alive! Alive!
Look what Mercy’s overcome
Death has lost and Love has won

Christ is Risen, He Is Risen Indeed | Keith and Kristyn Getty

For joy awakes as dawning light
When Christ’s disciples lift their eyes.
Alive He stands, their Friend and King;
Christ, Christ He is risen.

Hosanna | Andrew Peterson

You have crushed beneath your heel the vile serpent
You have carried to the grave the black stain
You have torn apart the temple’s holy curtain
You have beaten Death at Death’s own game

PSA: Andrew Peterson (who, you may have noticed, got a lot of showtime in this post) came out with a new album today, called Resurrection Letters, Vol. I. It’s all about the resurrection (no kidding) and I am insanely excited for it. He also released a five song prologue to it all about the crucifixion––I used two of those songs for Friday and Saturday here––and you can listen to them at this YouTube playlist.

Have you listened to/read any of these before? What are some of your favorite songs and quotes about Easter? How are you celebrating this year?

a thousand little things

Photo by Roberto Nickson (@g) on Unsplash

Sometimes if I look at my life objectively I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes in those empty spaces in the day when I realize that this is my life and it is not what I had expected, I want to despair. Sometimes I wake up and swing my feet onto the floor and wonder how on earth I find the strength to get out of bed.

Sometimes I interrogate myself as if I am a stranger looking from the outside in, and I ask:

What is it that keeps you going?

…

It’s friends answering your pain with song recommendations, sometimes more meaningful than encouraging words. It’s those lists of songs that feel like a long-distance hug.

It’s exploring a new personality typing system and the excitement of diving into something new. But more than that, it’s the tears that come because you finally, finally understand what you are struggling with and why and how to fight it. It’s knowing that you are not alone and you are not crazy and you are not broken beyond repair.

It’s wrapping a blanket around your shoulders and it feels both like a hug and like armor.

It’s salads for lunch—healthy but yummy, something you can look forward to and not feel the least bit guilty about.

It’s little sisters asking you to say goodnight to them every night. It’s their cards hanging on your wall and their stuffed animals decorating the house and their voices filling the air. It’s what they never say but you always hear: We like you, just as you are.

It’s your room with everything put away, all the surfaces clear, everything clean and neat and the way you want to be. It’s a glimpse of perfection in this messy world.

It’s worn stone and moss beneath your bare feet, cold and smooth and somehow soft.

It’s the necklace that is exactly your style and makes you feel happy and pretty whenever you wear it. It’s the kind of thing you always wanted without knowing you did.

It’s biking into the driveway after a long day of work and seeing lights on inside. It’s opening the door to warmth and welcomes and the wonder of having a safe place to come home to.

It’s the sight of your bookshelf gleaming in the late afternoon sun.

It’s the little mementos around your room that remind you of loved ones and beautiful places and experiences you can’t believe you got to have.

It’s connecting with a friend you haven’t heard from in a while. It’s a friend writing you just when you realized it’s been a while and felt that old familiar guilt over not being a good enough friend.

It’s the excitement of checking football scores, the gift of something just plain fun on cold, mundane January days.

It’s having to stay at work for a little longer than planned and realizing that you don’t mind, that you like being here, that this has become a safe place.

It’s someone who stops in their busy day to ask you how you’re doing. It’s someone who called you by your name and looks you in the eyes. It’s someone who smiles and waves.

It’s songs of lament that make you cry and then fade to silence and realize that there is a glimmer of hope that hadn’t been there before.

It’s washing the dishes after dinner, standing there with the warm water and sparkling soapsuds and your favorite band playing in the background. It’s the knowledge that being able to do this is a blessing, being able to stand here and work and make this corner of the world the little cleaner, a little better.

It’s inside jokes and shared memories and spontaneously breaking out into the same chorus at the same time.

It’s hearing someone on a podcast mention one of your favorite book series and you grinning like crazy, ridiculously excited that someone else loves it too.

…

What is it that keeps you going?

It’s a thousand little things seeping through the jagged edges of my life, finding their way through the cracks, forging a path in the dark—

It’s a thousand little things, and it’s one thing.

It’s grace.

For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. | John 1:16

My Favorite Romance Books (It’s Not What You Might Think)

There’s something that really bugs me about the romances in most books these days: it’s all about how the two people meet and fall in love and how their relationship progresses up until they get married. Then all the excitement and drama ends. Boom. The book of their romance closes with a thud and dust begins to accumulate on top.

It’s not just books or movies or fiction, either. It seems to be the prevailing attitude that once you get married, all the fun ends. The romance fades away, and boring monotony sets in. In some ways, that’s kind of true. I mean, now most of your time together is spent doing normal life stuff like chores instead of primarily fun things like dates. Most of life is pretty mundane and unexciting. I get that. But just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t go on fun dates or that there can’t be moments of romance. More than that, I think that doing normal life stuff together can have its own kind of romance and beauty, the kind that you don’t get to have when you’re just dating.

Okay, so maybe you’re thinking, you’re not married. What do you know about this? Well, for one thing, I have wonderful parents who have shown and told me what a healthy, happy marriage can be. For another, not all the books I read have romances that end at marriage. There really are some books out there that show married couples still in love and portray marriage as an ongoing adventure. Today is the perfect day to celebrate them, wouldn’t you agree?

The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner

I already raved about this series in my 2017 reading recap post. I feel like the tagline of this blog should be trying to get everyone hooked on The Queen’s Thief series. There are worse goals, I assure you. Anyway, because of spoilers I can’t be really specific, but in one or more of these books there is a couple that is probably my favorite ship after Faramir and Eowyn. Which is saying a lot. Their relationship is complex and certainly messy at times, but also so beautiful. Ugh, I just love it so much. If you want to give me a Valentine’s present, go read this series so we can freak out together.

Annals of the Western Shore by Ursula K. Le Guin

Orrec and Gry, guys. I love how well they complement each other, how their different strengths and personalities are equally important to their mission, and how they recognize that. I love how they know what the other person thinks and needs and how they support and admire each other. I love seeing them work together. Definitely one of my favorite fictional couples of all time. ❤

Vinegar Girl by Anne Tyler

This book is a modern-day spin on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. Most of it is about the two main characters meeting and getting to know each other, but you do get a glimpse of them as a married couple (Hey, it’s not a spoiler, you know how the play ends. Or you should. *snooty judgmental stare*). More than that, it just has great views on marriage. There’s this part at the end where one of the characters basically gives a big impromptu speech about marriage, and it makes me want to cheer.

Presumption by Julia Barrett

While I dearly love Jane Austen and her books are quite appropriate for this time of year, they do tend to end with “and they got married and lived happily ever after.” Which is totally fine, but not quite in keeping with the theme of this post. In this sequel, however, Barrett gives us a picture of the Darcys after their marriage. The main plot focuses on Georgianna, Darcy’s younger sister, and her romantic adventures, but we do get to see Elizabeth and Darcy interacting as a married couple. Let me just say, it’s a treat.

The Mitford series by Jan Karon

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mention this series on here before?? If I haven’t, woe is me for this travesty. There are numerous reasons to love the Mitford series, and the relationship between Father Tim and Cynthia hold a high spot on the list. For the majority of this series, they are married, and I love watching their relationship unfold. Jan Karon is masterful at writing real, raw characters and treating them with honesty and compassion. Some of the stuff in her books is hard to read about, but there is always redemption and hope. Father Tim’s and Cynthia’s marriage embodies this. There are ups and downs, but ultimately it is a story of two broken people finding and creating a safe place with each other. Seeing how they make each other better and come through tough times closer has given me a positive and hopeful vision of what my future marriage can be.

Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery

You can’t make any kind of list revolving around favorite fictional couples and exclude Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe. Another big ship of mine. Again, while I love reading about how they meet and eventually fall in love, I also deeply appreciate that L.M. Montgomery wrote about their married life together too. I especially enjoy the arc of their relationship in book six, Anne of Ingleside. I won’t say anymore because of spoilers, but it’s a wonderful portrayal of a long-lasting marriage. Make sure you don’t stop at book one of this series because there’s a whole lot of good stuff afterwards. (Shoutout to Rilla of Ingleside, book eight, as my favorite book of the series.)

Green Dolphin Street by Elizabeth Goudge

This is one of my favorite standalone books of all time, and one of the reasons is the couple that the plot revolves around. This marriage is unlike any of the others in this list. I can’t really say more because of spoilers, but Goudge showed me that marriage is way more messy and more beautiful than I had thought. This book basically changed the entire way I thought about marriage. Just aghhhh, GO READ IT. The writing is really beautiful too.

The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy

I almost didn’t include this one, because even though the couple in it is married, it kind of feels like they’re meeting each other for the first time. Again, I don’t want to say more because of spoilers. Just know this book is a whole lot of fun and a big part of the entertainment is the journey of Marguerite and Percy Blakeney’s relationship. Also, the movie version of this is hilarious and one of my favorite watches of 2017.

Wrinkle in Time Quintet by Madeleine L’Engle

If you’ve only read A Wrinkle in Time, please go read the other books in the series: A Wind in the Door, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Many Waters, and An Acceptable Time. Man, they are so good. If you haven’t read them, you might want to skip this part because of slight spoilers. *waits for you to scroll down*

Okay, so the marriage I’m talking about for this series is between Meg Murry and Calvin O’Keefe. You don’t actually see a ton of interaction between them when they’re married, but from the little you do see and from their interactions as kids in Wrinkle, I know it’s a great marriage. Maybe my favorite thing about it is that they got married at all and that Meg chose to stay at home and support Calvin’s scientific work. I am totally all for girls going to college and grad school and having careers and all that. But I hate how if you choose not to do that you’re seen as suppressed or limited or boring or whatever. Our culture says women should get to choose to do whatever they want, but what they really mean is that they should choose to have their own job. Choosing to stay at home is it apparently the exception to the rule. I love what Madeline L’Engle says about it:

Several women have written to me to complain about A Swiftly Tilting Planet. They feel that I should not have allowed Meg Murry to give up a career by marrying Calvin, having children, quietly helping her husband with his work behind the scenes. But if women are to be free to choose to pursue a career as well as marriage, they must also be free to choose the making of a home and the nurture of a family as their vocation; that was Meg’s choice, and a free one, and it was as creative a choice as if she had gone on to get a PhD in quantum mechanics.

Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson

This is another couple that complements each other so well. Vin and Elend are so different in many ways—she’s intense and he’s more relaxed, she is the nobody with powers and he’s the normal ol’ aristocrat, she knows the ways of the world and how to survive and he is a naïve idealist. Each has something the other needs; Elend provides safety and security and unconditional love, and Vin helps push him to be more, to take action, to fight. They are so much more when they are together. I love what Sazed tells them when they get married:

Those who don’t take lightly promises they make to those they love are people who find little lasting satisfaction in life.

And that’s the real beauty of marriage—loving someone enough to make such a promise, to take the risk and make the leap and work through the messiness and fight for love even when it’s hard. We need more books like these ones to celebrate marriages like that, to show us that such marriages can exist.

What are your thoughts on fictional romances? What are some of your favorite couples and marriages in books? Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day! *hands out heart-shaped cookies*

Reading Recap 2017

I got reading glasses this year. They make me feel delightfully nerdy and like I’m a genuine bookworm.

 

I also got goodreads! I thiiiiink I’ve mentioned that before, but in a post all about books it’s worth mentioning again, right? I’m Aberdeen on there, and I’d love to see what you’re up to in the bookish realm.

Normally, I do a big end-of-the-year wrap-up post where I recount what I accomplished in terms of writing, blogging, and reading. However, the only thing I did much of on that list this year was reading. Which of course calls for a big long post about BOOKSES PRECIOUS. Who’s complaining? (That was a rhetorical question. *shoos away all complainers*) I’m going to share my thoughts on my favorite two books in each of these categories: fiction, nonfiction, and fantasy. I’ll also list some honorable mentions because we all know I can’t pick favorites. And of course there will be quotes.

Also, this post is really long because once I start blabbing about books it’s hard to stop. *sheepish grin* Feel free to just jump to the genre that interests you or skim through to see the titles or something. And do tell me what you’ve read this year or what you think of the books I highlighted in the comments.

{fiction}

Okay For Now by Gary D. Schmidt

I don’t know what to say to do this book justice. It’s one of those rare but beautiful books that makes me both laugh out loud and cry real tears. It’s that kind of book I want to write someday. I think I can say that it’s my favorite book of the year. I know, I know, I just did the unthinkable and picked a favorite. It feels kind of scary to do so, but this book is that good. It wasn’t perfect; there were a few plot things that felt off to me but the rest of it was so storming good that they didn’t affect my overall opinion.

This is the story of Doug Swieteck. Another book by Schmidt, The Wednesday Wars, which is also an all-time favorite of mine, introduces him as a jerky bully. In this book, we find out why Doug is such a jerk. But we also find out that he’s more than a jerk. But you can read about the plot in a blurb online. Here’s what this book is really about:

It is about the power of art—how good art can relate to and change your life and how making art yourself can heal you. It is about how are are people are broken but how that isn’t all of their story. It is about family and friendship. It’s about the race to the moon and the Vietnam War and John Audubon’s paintings of birds. It’s about how flat-out astonishing the gift of being able to read is. It’s a book about hope in a deeply messed up world.

I love Doug’s voice. It’s so realistic and yet unique—somehow Schmidt is able to show him maturing without making him way too wise or thoughtful for his age or personality. I’ll never hear the word “terrific” without thinking about Doug. I love how there are so many great adults in his life (which is nice, because there are also a few horrible ones). And can I just say that I love that Doug loves the Yankees. PINSTRIPE PRIDE, PEEPS. Also, alliteration.

Basically, if you read only one of the books on this list, this would be a good choice.

Mrs. Daugherty was keeping my bowl of cream of wheat hot, and she had a special treat with it, she said. It was bananas.

In the whole story of the world, bananas have never once been a special treat.

---

Mr. Ferris didn’t say anything the whole time. He sat next to me and listened. And when I finished, I looked at him.

He was crying. I’m not lying. He was crying.

I don’t think it was because how hard I hit him.

I know how the Black-Backed Gull feels when he looks up into the sky.

Maybe, somehow, Mr. Ferris does too.

---

My brother looked at me. I looked at him.

Sometimes- and I know it doesn’t last for anything more than a second- sometimes there can be perfect understanding between two people who can’t stand each other. He smiled, and I smiled, and we put on the Timex watches on, and we watched the seconds flit by.

It was the first watch my brother had ever owned.

It was the first watch I had ever owned.

The Way We Live Now by Anthony Trollope

I had a really tough time choosing between this one and Howards End by E.M. Forster. If I could assign books to certain personality types, Howards End would be for INFJs. Not that you can’t enjoy it if you have a different personality obviously, but the themes this book explored resonated with me so deeply. It was like it was talking directly to me.  Anyway, lest I be accused of cheating by talking about two books in one section, let’s move on.

The Way We Live Now is a huge hunk of a book but I sped through it. I seriously couldn’t put it down, guys. His writing reminded me of Charles Dickens and George Eliot. Basically, if you’re a fan of any 19th-century British literature, you’ll love this. I’m not going to try to lay out the multitude of characters in this book and ho yeah yes oh Yeah no boldw they are related, but there is one person you should meet: August Melmotte. Fabulously rich, he arrives in London from France with a murky background that everyone is willing to overlook in hopes of earning some monetary favors. All the various romances and escapades swirl around him, and the varied threads of every character’s life all become wrapped around the question: How did Melmotte get his money? And how will the answer affect them?

There’s something for everyone in this complex and fast-paced novel (yes, classics can be fast-paced). There are politics, relationships, ethics, intrigue, and a fascinating portrayal of the English upper-class in the 1800s. I personally found his descriptions of Americans hilarious and also rather interesting. For most of the book I was facepalming over the characters’ ridiculous choices but I promise, the ending is worth it. Not because everything ends happily but because it makes you think. Each story line has a different lesson to ponder, a different character that surprises you. If you read this book thoughtfully enough, you may begin to see that the way we live now is not so different from how Trollope’s characters live.

As long as there are men to fight for women, it may be well to leave the fighting to the men. But when a woman has no one to help her, is she to bear everything without turning upon those who ill-use her? Shall a women be flayed alive because it is unfeminine in her to fight for her own skin?

---

A liar has many points to his favor—but he has this against him, that unless he devote more time to the management of his lies than life will generally allow, he cannot make them tally.

---

Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.

Honorable mentions:

Howards End by E.M. Forster

Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton

Wonder by R.J. Palacio

{non-fiction}

Some of the most impactful nonfiction books I read this year were rereads, so I’m not including them on the list. Never fear, for I also read a lot of great new stuff. Here they are.

The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown

Okay. This book. I’m in love. It’s the kind of book that takes over my world and gets me super excited. It’s the kind of book I can’t stop talking about, as I am sure my family can tell you. Basically it’s the story of an college crew team trying to not only become the team to represent America at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin but to beat the elite German team. Sure, it seems pretty obvious what the result will be since there’s a whole book on it, but Brown’s genius is that you are on the edge of your seat the entire time. It’s incredibly suspenseful. And he’s not making up any of it. The obstacles these boys had to face are staggering. Many times I wanted to go look up this story in a history book because I thought there was no way that this could actually be true.

Brown does something really smart and powerful by following one of the boys, Joe Rantz, for the whole book. Joe’s story is hard and tragic in many places, but the struggles he endured just emphasize the extraordinary character and strength of the boys, as well as the importance of the team and the Olympics to them. The book is compelling because we care about Joe, because we have seen what he has gone through and what crew means to him.

Obviously, the Olympics race is more than just one team against another. It’s two sets of philosophies and ideas pitted against each other. It’s America versus Nazi Germany, and we all know what that means. For Hitler, it’s a chilling foreshadowing of what is to come—although of course he doesn’t see it that way. Brown does a great job describing the political and cultural ramifications of this race without overdramatizing it. He also describes the sport itself clearly so that I could appreciate the events of each race without getting lost in obscure terms.

This is a book about hardship and how it can make you or break you. It is a book about the beauty of struggles, about the heroism of the average, unpolished kid. It is a book about brotherhood and community and how we are stronger together. It’s about freedom versus tyranny and how in the end, the good guys always win.

I listened to the audiobook of this (I need to do a post on audiobooks sometime), so I don’t really have any quotes recorded. My deepest apologies. *formal bow*

Roots and Sky by Christie Purifoy

I think I finished this book on New Year’s Day 2017. Yeah. If I had been a few hours quicker, it wouldn’t be on this list at all. But I’m glad it is, because it deserves a chance in the spotlight. In a lot of ways I can’t relate to Christie. I’m not a mom with young kids, and I’m not refurbishing an old house that will become my permanent home. I’m a teenager who’s moved her whole life. But I can relate to Christie’s heart. Her longing for a belonging place, her desire to find meaning and beauty in the little things, her awareness that she’s living in a story.

Christie takes us through the four seasons of her first year at Maplehurst, an old house in Pennsylvania they want to make into their home. While she does share details about her gardening and renovations and efforts to connect with the neighbors, this isn’t a book about fixing up a house. It’s a book about, well, her thoughts on life. I feel like I’m describing this terribly. It’s not a book that is easy to describe. It’s written in beautiful prose, simple and thoughtful and poetic. Her words remind me of a window at dawn; a clear pane of glass with golden light shining through.

I love how Christie rejoices in the material things about her, like a good meal or fresh soil, while also living with an eternal perspective, interpreting everything through the lens of the hope she has in Jesus. She isn’t preachy; she is real. Her book is soothing and yet deeply moving and inspiring. It came to me when I needed a vision of what my life could be, a promise that I could find meaning in the littlest moments. Thank you, Christie.

For this is no ordinary house. This is no pile of bricks and mortar. This is an outpost of the kingdom of heaven, and a star has risen overhead.

---

I know myself fairly well. I know that I do not like crowds. I do not feel comfortable strangers. I struggle, mightily, with small talk…. To put it simply, I am afraid. I am lonely, yet I want only to be left alone.

But the kingdom of God is pretty much the opposite of alone. Also, in the kingdom of God, there is this voice saying, “Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid.”

---

Some might say Maplehurst falls short of the ideal beauty I glimpsed in my dreams. But this allegiance to “ideal” beauty is a form of blindness. It is a refusal to lift the veil of everyday life in order to see the glory of God.

Honorable mentions:

Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors

The Reason for God by Timothy Keller

Behold the Lamb of God by Russ Ramsey

{fantasy}

In some ways, this was a slim year for fantasy because I didn’t read much of it. But it was actually a great year for fantasy because the stuff I did read was absolutely AMAZING. Like two-new-favorite-series-of-all-time amazing.

Harry Potter by JK Rowling

I honestly can’t believe I read this. More than that, I can’t believe that it’s now on my top-five fantasy series list. I wrote about my Harry Potter journey in this post, but long story short, I wasn’t allowed to read this—or even super interested in reading it—until this year when I realized a) it’s not an evil series and b) it’s actually one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.

At the risk of sounding really cliche or obvious, reading these books was magical. I can’t really describe what I felt while reading them; it’s an indistinct rush of thoughts and feelings. It’s the same way I felt when I discovered Lord of the Rings for the first time. Readers live for that kind of experience, the enthralling and all-consuming plunge into another world. When I finished the last book, I ached. I ached for more of the characters, for more of the world, for more of this beautiful story.

Let me just say that Rowling’s world building flabbergasts me with its brilliance. I’ve always considered Brandon Sanderson to be the best world builder, and I still think he’s one of the best. But what Rowling does that is unique and powerful is that her world, although entirely magical and filled with immensely creative details, feels familiar. It feels cozy and real, and most of all, it feels like home. I never expected that from these books about sorcerers and dark lords. And it’s not just that it is set in our world. There are plenty of fantasies set in our world that still feel bizarre and alien. This one is different. You might get your mail by an owl or learn how to cast a patronus in school, but there is still mail and there is still school. Sure, there are magical rules to abide by, but the deeper rules, the rules about life and love and people, those are the same.

Two further notes for the Christians out there who haven’t yet read this series:

• If you’ve never tried Harry Potter because of theological concerns, I would recommend this post by Andrew Peterson. And I would say, at least give it a try. Give it a honest try. In my experience, everyone who condemns it hasn’t read much of it, and those who were skeptical but tried it are never skeptical for long. This isn’t to encourage disobeying your parents if they don’t want you to read it or refusing to listen to your conscience or anything. But before you completely disregard something, make sure you know what it is actually about.
• I do admit that there are still some issues in these books that require discernment. No book is perfect; no one will ever agree perfectly with a single book. Personally, I’m going to wait to handle my kids  this series until they’re in middle school just to make sure they have the maturity to distinguish between the sorcery condemned in the Bible and the “sorcery” in Harry Potter (I put it in quotes because it’s really nothing like the sorcery in Scripture).

*agonizes over this for 20 minutes because there are TOO MANY GOOD QUOTES OH MY STORMS*

It was important, Dumbledore said, to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay…

---

Of house elves and children’s tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped.

---

“But why’s she got to go to the library?”

“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.”

The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner

Um, wow. This series is one of the best things that happened to me this year. I had heard about it a couple of years ago and tried one of the books (which, I have since found out, was actually the fourth book) but just couldn’t get into it. As has happened to me many times with other books, I decided to try the series again and this time, I couldn’t stop reading (might have helped that I started with the first book).

It blew my mind, guys. From what I’ve heard, it has that effect on a lot of people. Seriously though, if you love surprise twists, complicated plots, and mental gymnastics, this is for you. At the end of every single book, Turner fiendishly takes everything you think you know and turns it upside down. And yet, suddenly everything make sense. You know that Sanderson quote, “there is always another secret”? That could sum up these books.

But for me, the real treasure in this series is not the stunning plots, fascinating political machinations, or even the great writing. It’s the characters. I love these characters so. much. Eugenides, also known as Gen, the cleverer-than-Sherlock-Holmes yet surprisingly vulnerable main character, silently but irrevocably stole the place of my favorite male character. I can’t really say more because of spoilers but yeah, all the other characters have captured my heart too (with a few exceptions).

If you don’t like traditional fantasy or anything that feels unrealistic or creepy, you have to try these books. They shouldn’t be labeled fantasy at all. It’s misleading. The world is very similar to ancient Greece but with a few twists—primarily in its technological advancements. There is no magic or elves or strange powers you were born with that destine you to save the world. The only supernatural element is that of the pantheon of gods that rule over the world, but they appear rarely. When they do, they are strongly reminiscent of our world’s Greek and Roman mythology.

Okay, now to find some quotes that aren’t super SPOILERY GOOD GRIEF. But the spoilery ones are so beautiful, it’s killing me. Just please go read this series guys.

“He would have been a better man under different circumstances.”

Gen looked at him. “True enough,” he said. “But does a good man let his circumstances define his character?”

---

“From shadow queen to puppet queen in one rule,” he whispered. “That’s very impressive. When he rules your country and he tells you he loves you, I hope you believe him.”

---

She thought of the hardness and the coldness she had cultivated over those years and wondered if they were the mask she wore or if the mask had become her self. If the longing inside her for kindness, for warmth, for compassion, was the last seed of hope for her, she didn’t know how to nurture it or if it could live.

Honorable mentions:

Echo by Pam Muñoz Ryan (there is a magical component woven throughout this whole story but for the majority of the time it feels more like normal historical fiction so I’m not sure if it really belongs in this section?? I think it’s technically magical realism, for whatever that’s worth. Anyway, regardless of the genre, go read this masterpiece.)

Annals of the Western Shore by Ursula K. Le Guin

What were your favorite books of the year? Which of mine have you read? I’ve missed chatting with you guys—let’s remedy that with lots of book talk!

Going on an Adventure: Scotland

I AM ALIVE. *brushes the cobwebs off this blog* Hello, my wonderful and incredibly patient readers! I know I haven’t posted in a shamefully long time (minus last week’s poem), so I’m going to try to make it up today with lots of lovely pictures. The short version of the big life update I owe you is, I’ve decided to defer from college for a year to give me time to figure out what’s going on with my arms. They’re still bothering me (which I guess you’ve deduced from my silence). In that vein, I’d like to give a shoutout to those who have recently found my blog and to everyone who has posted such lovely, encouraging comments. Right now, I just can’t reply to comments because if I do so, I won’t be able to do other important things like emailing friends or journaling (Page’s dictation feature is a wonderful thing). I hate having to prioritize like this, but I do want you all to know that I read every comment, I try to like them to let you know that I read them, and every one always brightens my day (who are we kidding, my week). I can’t thank you all enough for continuing to be and here read my stuff and communicate with me, even when I can’t always get back to you. You guys really are the best. Okay, on to the fun stuff. (Seriously, guys, I have so been looking forward to this post. *capers about*)

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This summer, my family and I got to go to Scotland. Let me just say that again: I got to go to Scotland. Saying that feels so unreal. I’ve dreamed about visiting Scotland for years, and I still can’t believe it finally happened. We went to Glasgow, where my grandfather grew up; Loch Lomond, a big and beautiful lake in the highlands; Aberdeen, the city I’m named after (!!!!); and Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. When I look back on our trip, it feels like a dream.

You’ve probably heard two things about Scotland: 1) it’s beautiful; 2) it’s rainy. You’d be right about both. Thankfully, we got a few sunny days during the Loch Lomond leg of our trip, so all our hikes were lovely. No, scratch that. All our hikes were stunningly gorgeous. Words just can’t describe how beautiful Scotland is. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a place as beautiful. And that’s saying a lot, since I’ve been to the Alps. I mean, obviously the Alps are jaw-droppingly spectacular, but the highlands of Scotland just have this unique beauty that gave me chills and made me want to stay there forever. It’s not just natural beauty either––from the warm sandstone in Glasgow to the austere and elegant granite of Aberdeen, even the city buildings were attractive. Everyone we met was lovely too—and they spoke English! I didn’t have to stare at people with a blank face and feel like an idiot while they babble at me in German. When waitresses asked, “Hi, can I take your order?” I could have hugged them. Also, THE FOOD. I was expecting yucky British food, but everything we ate was really good. Maybe the gross British food stereotype only applies to London or maybe we just got lucky, but my mouth waters whenever I think of the scones, meat pies, toffee cakes, and shortbread we consumed. Basically, you guys have got to go to Scotland. Everyone of you. No excuses. If you’re still not convinced, just look at these pictures:

(Click on one of them to scroll through; they look better bigger, and I wrote captions for almost all of them. There are a lot, but I’m kind of assuming nobody will mind. ;D)

Aberdeen has lots of buildings with these cool towers

Holyrood Palace – the queen’s summer residence in Edinburgh

the ocean! or, to be exact, the North Sea!

the lovely University of St. Andrews

Ol’ Sir Walter Scott himself

a lighthouse in Aberdeen

We happened to be in the UK for the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter so they were selling lots of cool paraphernalia, including these chocolate frogs. =DD

The cathedral in Aberdeen’s old university

Toffee cake – literally the best dessert I’ve ever had

near Ediburgh castle (In every town we went to, we always found a piper playing on some street corner. It was so cool.)

the view from Stirling Castle – Doesn’t it just make you want to write a story?

stained glass windows and old flags make for great aesthetics

More Glasgow Cathedral

more Loch Lomond

a reconstruction of a thatched roof house a Scottish herdsmen would have used in past centuries

Bonnie, Bonnie Loch Lomond

can’t get enough of Loch Lomond

the road goes ever on and on…

We thought this water looked like Coke.

Aberdeen University’s cathedral again and the tomb of Bishop Elphinstone (I’m using that name in a book someday)

David Livingstone (nice last name, eh?) in front of Glasgow’s cathedral

you can tell why they call it the Highlands

the ferns here are so luscious

no collage of Scotland would be complete without a picture of a thistle

wildflowers + water – what could be better?

the colors are just too gorgeous

hiking in the Highlands

a street in Aberdeen leading to the harbor

❤

high up in the hills of the Highlands

 

In the year of our Lord 1314,

Scottish patriots, starved and outnumbered,

charged the fields at Bannockburn.

They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen.

And won their freedom.

Forever.

~ Braveheart

I’m so proud to be from this beautiful country. ❤

So, friends, have you ever been to Scotland? Do you want to now? Which picture was your favorite? And how are you??

 

 

I Will Go (Remembering 9/11)

Even if, when this is all over, no one knows my name

Even if no one points to my picture in the paper and says, “here was a hero”

Even if the parades pass me by and the ash stains on my shirt are my only medal

Even so

`

Even though, before I take one step, I am afraid

Even though the flames are the ghosts of my past failures reaching out to finally and forever drag me down

Even though the sweat on my skin is more real to me in this moment than the screams from the tower

Even so

`

Even if, for all our desperate tries, you die

Even if all the effort is a waste and we stand at the scene of a massacre, helpless

Even if every night after the stars are replaced by the screaming souls I could not save

Even so

`

I will go

I will try

I may live

I may die

But I will go

`

I will pick up my helmet––my first aid kit––my keys––whatever thin threads of my courage I can weave together into some kind shield to hang between me and the fire and the fear

To weave into a blanket, like when I was little and thought if I huddled behind one the bad guy could never get me

To weave into a banner, just a piece of cloth and yet it makes the men marching under it so much stronger

Is my courage strong enough? Will the thin threads hold?

Does it even matter?

`

Even so

I will go

`

Because there’s a fire inside me that is stronger than the one I face

Because hate can be fierce and hot and it can burn but there is a fury in love that can raze every forest of cruelty to the ground

Because in the end we’re all afraid every second of every day and that is no excuse

And so

`

Because what if every moment I have lived has led up to this one?

Because what if every choice I have made has prepared me for this one?

Because what if this is the point of me? What if I’m here on this planet to be here for you on this day?

And so

`

Because I have no idea who you are or how many of you there are but I know that you are a human being and that you matter

Because not trying is worse than failing

Because I’d rather be haunted by faces I couldn’t save than by ones I didn’t try to

And so

`

I will go

`

Remember when you feel the rain on your face and look up into a bright blue sky and bite into a freshly baked cookie and hug that person who makes you laugh and turn on music in your car and feel sorrow shoot its silver arrow into your soul—remember that you’re alive and that that’s very good thing and it’s worth protecting. Remember that if you stop trying to help other people stay alive too, then you are already dead. Remember how there were two of them, twins, and how we’ve got to stand together. Remember to act, so that each tomorrow find you further than today. So that you can die with no regrets. Remember. Then go. Fight the next fire, and the next, and the next, and don’t be afraid. The day is coming when they will all die out. Just make sure you were one of the ones who fought when you had the chance. 

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A post with pictures of a really cool place I visited this summer plus a mini life update is coming soon. =)

for all I have lost (he never tells me why)

for all i have lost

for all i am not

for all that was not as i had hoped

for every crumpled dream

for every tear on every mask-cracked face

for every piece of the world that breaks

just a little bit more…

for

all

the

pain

`

i weep

`

i nestle knees to chest

and wonder

WHY???

which he never answers

`

instead he always tells me

who

truth, way, life

hope, strength, refuge

creator, redeemer, sustainer

right hand, banner, shepherd

bread and water, vine and door

one who hears, who sees, who knows, who—

why?—

who?

I AM

in which I tell you how my year has gone & stuff I’ve learned

When you take AP classes, the test looms over your whole year, an ominous mountain in the distance you never lose sight of, despite the many hills of lab reports, essays, and projects. By April, it is huge, the only thing you see.

Like any other student, I was crazy stressed for all my AP exams (I had Biology, Calculus, and Latin.). But unlike most others, I desperately wanted to take them. Much as they fray my nerves, I love big tests like these because I relish the challenge. I wanted the satisfaction of surviving and doing well in something hard. A good score would be a validation of everything I put into the subject and the class. It had to do with my pride but also just my desire for all my hard work to pay off.

And it had been hard work. AP Calculus is challenging enough, but when picking up a pencil, much less writing with it, causes pain to shoot up your arm and embed itself deep in your hand, well, AP calculus is really really hard then. Eventually I had to remind my perfectionistic self that this time I had a valid excuse for not doing things as thoroughly as I thought I should.

In late October, when I began to accept that whatever was going on wouldn’t resolve itself soon, my mind flew over the upcoming months and settled on the second week of May. I imagined myself sitting at a desk in an unfamiliar school, bent over one of my AP tests. I remember thinking, There is no way that is going to happen. No way.

In January, I thought I wouldn’t be able to graduate. I’d lie in bed at night and watch my future and my dreams crumble around me. Before, I had wondered how far in education I’d like to go—a Masters or even, who knew, a PhD? Now I was concerned about simply finishing high school. I started judging how well a day would go by how much it hurt to brush my teeth after breakfast. Sometimes I would sit at my desk waiting for math class to start and cry, wondering how I would get through it.

In February, I had written out emails in my head to my teachers, explaining why I wasn’t able to take the exams. Even the week of all the exams itself, I still had an email planned to my Latin teacher, since Latin was the last test and also the one that required the most writing. I am not usually one to give up hope, but this year I was absolutely sure there was no way I would be able to complete the Latin exam—and probably not the others either.

In March, things began to look up. I was in less pain, I was doing things I hadn’t for a while. The terrible fear that I wouldn’t graduate stopped haunting me at night. For the first time in many months, I started to feel hopeful.

Then April hit, and for no explicable reason, things got bad again. It was worse this time, probably because I had experienced, very slightly and very fleetingly, what it was like to hurt less. Descending back into the pain after that was horrible. The shadow of the AP mountain smothered me in stress. Discomfort prevented me from sleeping well.

Enter the first week of May. I had arrived at base camp, and I was determined to everything in my power to prepare myself for the climb. That Friday, three days before my first AP, I decided to do something I had never done before: I skipped an assignment (gasp). I did it to preserve my arms, and I clamped down on my internal shrieks long enough to enter a score of zero. (In case you’re concerned, I emailed my teacher to explain the zero, and she was super nice and understanding about it.)

The next part of my get-through-APs plan was physical therapy. We had scheduled an appointment for that Friday morning. I’d been doing PT for several months now, and while it didn’t improve things permanently, it did prevent them from getting worse. But when we got to the office, it appeared there had been some miscommunication. Somehow, we didn’t have an appointment after all. Great.

I felt discouraged, but I resolved that I would simply stay away from any writing or typing for the next few days. When I was trying to figure out an activity that wouldn’t hurt my arms, it hit me: I could look through all my cards from friends and family! How fun and relaxing, and it didn’t involve a pencil or a computer.

An hour into the affair I suddenly realized that my arms were aching. With growing dread, I realized—way too late—that all the unfolding, refolding, and flipping through of the letters required just as much from my hands as typing would have. I felt sick to my stomach and behaved very much like Dobby. “You’re so stupid,” I told myself. “Stupid. Stupid.” I kept thinking that after everything I’d done to try to protect my arms, I had just blown everything. I had ruined everything I’d worked for this year. If I couldn’t make it through the APs, it would be my fault.

The next two days I was in the worst pain I had been in all year—and at the very time when I needed my arms to be strongest. Something in the back of my mind whispered, Maybe God is having all this happen to show you how strong he is. Maybe he’ll get you through it, and you’ll come away seeing how great he is.

But I was too frightened to believe it. Another part of my mind yelled back, God isn’t that good.

So Monday morning arrived, and with it the AP biology exam. I sat down at a horribly uncomfortable desk. My feet could barely reach the floor (yeah, I’m kind of short), and to get high enough to write naturally on the desk I had to sit on the very edge of the chair, since the seat started in a valley in the back and rose up steeply from there (who designs these things anyway?). I picked up a pen, felt the pain, and thought, like I had all year, no way.

But I guess when God says that his ways are above ours, he really means it. And when he says he’s the God of the impossible, it’s actually true. Because I got through all three AP exams. I not only finished them, but I did my best on them.

Friday night, when my last AP exam was over, I went into my room, closed the door, and whisper-shouted at the ceiling: “You did it!!” (I rarely use multiple exclamation points.) Then, in awe, “You did it. You did it. You got me through.” It was almost a question, not of doubt but unfathomable wonder. From a human point of view, there is no way I should’ve gotten through those tests, nine hours of holding a pencil, not to mention the other assignments I also had that week. But then, when were we ever supposed to look at things from a human point of view?

Guys, God is good. He is so good. He is so powerful. He is so above us in the best of ways. The whole point of this story is to say—to shout at the top of my lungs, to sing to all the world—that God is good. That when you are your very weakest, that is when he is strongest. That when everything looks impossible, that is when he reaches down to make it happen. That when you reach the coldest, loneliest part of the night, that is when he tells the sun to rise.

This whole year—well, my whole life actually—I have put limitations on God. I have told him that he can’t do things. Not directly exactly, but when I looked at that mountain and thought no way I can climb it, what I really was saying was no way you can help me climb it, God. I assumed that the only way for me to be able to complete the APs was by my own strength—by my clever planning, by all the appointments and exercises and remedies. Instead, God had every single plan of mine fall through. He set me in the middle at what appeared to be a worst-case scenario and then said, Watch what I can do.

I’ve always loved quotes like “the shadow proves the sunshine” and the verse about “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” But until this year, I’ve never truly lived them out. I’ve never experienced to them for myself.

This year has felt in some ways like a nightmare. I’ve always had a ridiculously low pain tolerance, and often I couldn’t believe this particular trial was happening to me. But if it hadn’t happened, I would never have experienced all the love I have. The love of my family (which deserves its own separate post) and the love of God have colored these painful days in strokes as glorious and vibrant as a sunset. When I think about last week, the week that haunted these past few months, my heart can’t stop dancing. I feel his smile all around me, and I keep thinking, “You did it!!”

Our God is so much bigger than we let ourselves dream. And this is coming from someone who calls herself a dreamer. I used to feel like it was presumptuous and arrogant to ask God for things or to believe he’d really forgiven me. He has helped me and forgiven me so many times, who am I to ask him for more?

But I am learning (quite slowly, granted) that that’s just what he wants us to do. He wants us to keep coming back, keep asking for help and forgiveness, keep trusting him to do great things. Who am I to tell him he can only forgive me so many times? Who am I to limit God’s help to a finite number I determine? Isn’t this the place he most wants us to be, on our knees begging him for salvation? I’ve got to pound it into my head: he wants me to depend on him.

I’m graduating this week. It’s certainly not the senior year I was expecting; it was far harder than I could have imagined but also so much better. This quote sums up what I’ve learned—or really, what I’m learning:

[God’s] love disposes him to desire our everlasting welfare and his sovereignty enables him to secure it. {A W Tozer}

What a good God we have.

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God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. {Psalm 46:5, 7}

I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever. I will praise you forever, because you have done it; and in the presence of your saints I will wait on your name, for it is good. {Psalm 52:9b-10}

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So my arms are still fried from APs, but once school finishes this week, I won’t have to use them for much. Your prayers and support have meant so much. ❤ It would be such a blessing if you kept praying that my arms will completely heal. The hope is that by resting them this summer, they will heal enough for me to go to college this fall (more on college another time). That will require a lot of self-control on my part, and if you guys have any ideas of activities that don’t involve too much repetitive hand movements (like knitting xD) that would be awesome. =D

Okay, enough about me. I want to know how you are: How has this year been for you? What are some things you’ve learned? Am I the only one who thinks of God as way too small (please say no xD)? What are your summer plans?